“Triggered, Not Toxic”: Managing Anger as an ADHD Parent in an ADHD Household

Let me set the scene.

I thought it was going to be a calm, easy first day back to school. (Cue the dramatic music.) My ADHD teen came home cranky, but that’s standard procedure around here. This is usually due to him skipping lunch, forgetting water exists, and enduring the exhausting social battery drain of being around 700 humans for 8 hours, not including the bus ride. Nothing out of the ordinary...

until we discovered he was hiding something on his phone.

Before I get into that, for those of you out there letting your ADHD kids have phones without parental controls—salute. You’re braver than I am.

In our house, we go by maturity level, not age. So, both of our children have Bark phones—a godsend for ADHD parenting. (This isn’t a paid ad, I promise.) Bark allows us to monitor messages, app usage, and comes with GPS location. It gives us a fighting chance in a world where impulse meets Wi-Fi.

Teens with ADHD, especially boys, can be wildly impulsive. And mine is both. That means thoughts leap straight out of his mouth or fingers before they even stop for a second to say, “Hey, is this a good idea?”

Long story short: he acted on impulse, tried to lie to cover it up, and when the story started unraveling, so did the attitude.

Why have an attitude when you're already caught?

When a child with ADHD lies or becomes defensive, it’s not usually about manipulation—it's about protection. They’re often trying to avoid consequences and sidestep that deep, uncomfortable feeling of shame.

It doesn’t make it okay, but it does make it understandable.

And when you’re the adult in the situation—especially one with ADHD yourself—it's easy to let your own emotions hijack the moment. My husband, in this case, felt angry and betrayed. Our son had broken one of our family’s core values and showed little remorse.

What followed was a full-on verbal argument that lasted 15 minutes too long and solved nothing.

As my husband argued with our son, he was desperately trying to understand the "why" behind the behavior. Why did he do it? What was he thinking? How could he avoid doing this again?

My son’s response? Classic ADHD panic moves:

• Deflection

• Defensiveness

• Strategic withholding of information (AKA: the “if I don’t say it, I didn’t do it” method)

Sound familiar?

So, I called a timeout and made everyone go for a walk. The walk led to solutions because walking helps everyone calm down and listen. Pro tip: If any of your ADHD loved ones is having an emotional breakdown or is argumentative, take them for a walk. Life changing!

Here are my top 5 tips to manage anger when you're parenting through the lens of ADHD:

1. Model What You Want to See

Your child will mirror your behavior. If you want calm, you must be calm—even if they’re acting like the world's on fire and you just found them holding the match.

Yes, even if you’re 99.9% sure they’re full of it.

2. Keep It Short, Sweet, and Sanctioned

Lectures don’t land. After 15–20 minutes, your ADHD kid has emotionally peaced out, and you’re just wasting energy. Get to the point, administer the consequence, and move on.

Think: clarity over chaos.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

Their behavior isn’t about you. I repeat—it’s not about you.

Yes, you're their parent. Yes, you care. But their meltdowns, impulsive decisions, or lies aren’t a personal attack on your parenting. It’s not all yours to carry.

Take a deep breath. That sigh of relief? It’s yours. Enjoy it.

4. Heal Your Inner Volcano

Let’s be honest: ADHD parents aren’t immune to dysregulation. Sometimes, your unresolved emotional baggage walks into the room before we do. Anger, guilt, shame—these things pile up over time if you don’t process them.

When you explode during a conflict, it’s often not just about what your child did—it’s about what you haven’t healed.

So, here’s your reminder:

• Take care of your mental health.

• Process that guilt.

• Let go of that shame.

• Know your triggers so you can avoid passing them on.

  
  

5. Don’t Compare ADHD Journeys

It’s tempting to compare your own ADHD childhood with your kid’s, especially if you “turned out fine.” But ADHD manifests differently for everyone. Some kids take longer to learn. Some need more structure. Others need more freedom.

Your job? Guide them in a meaningful direction. Their job? Walk the path.

You’re not responsible for their every misstep, but you are responsible for how you respond to them.

Final Thought: React Like the Parent You Want Them to Remember

Parenting with ADHD isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. You’re going to mess up sometimes. So will your kid.

But if you can respond with patience (or at least less yelling), self-awareness, and firm boundaries, you’ll teach your child that emotions—even big, messy ones—can be managed.

And that’s a life skill they’ll thank you for… eventually. Probably in their 30s.

Until then? Deep breaths. And if all else fails? Coffee. Always have coffee. Preferably, the kind you don’t have to reheat three times before actually drinking.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. While we strive to provide accurate and up-to-date content, this blog is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider regarding any medical concerns or conditions you or your child may have. Never disregard or delay seeking professional medical advice based on something you have read in this blog. Reliance on any information provided here is solely of your own free will.