Mom Guilt Can Stop Now: You've Earned It!

Let’s talk about mom guilt. The kind that sneaks up on you while you’re doing something as basic as brushing your teeth (if you’re even lucky enough to do that!). This year has been an Olympic-level challenge for me.

I grew up being taught to be quiet, obedient, and trouble-free. And boy, did I deliver. Ask any relative, and they’ll rave about how easy-going and helpful I was. My mom? She’ll tell you she wouldn’t have survived her single-mom years with three kids without me. I’m pretty sure that’s where my mom guilt origin story begins.

The Hawaii Plot Twist

Things went to hell in Hawaii. You’d think "paradise," right? Not so much. My husband is a soldier, and we got stationed here almost three years ago. But the longer we’re here, the heavier that mom guilt gets. Since moving, we’ve lost relatives, our health has taken a nosedive, we barely have time for anything, and we’ve become introverted hermits in a place known for outdoor adventures! I mean, how ironic is that? I used to be an active people person—now I barely leave the house.

We were looking at old photos yesterday, and ouch, the guilt hit hard. We used to be healthier, always outdoors, having adventures. And the people? Way friendlier back then, too. These days, I find it hard to get up every morning. I am overwhelmed, barely managing health problems, and feel like I’m not doing enough. How am I to plan epic daily outings with all that mess in my head?

Am I Failing Motherhood?

This season feels like a low point in my motherhood journey. And now that I’m in my 30s, I can’t bounce back as quickly as I used to. I drag my feet more, and every time I think I’ve figured out a rhythm, something—usually something ADHD-related—throws everything off course.

This year, it’s been a lot. My son is struggling with impulse control and emotional dysregulation, which affects the whole household. My husband? Stuck somewhere between ADHD paralysis and burnout for months at a time, causing more arguments and built-up resentment. And now we’ve just learned that my daughter has ADHD, too.  It’s been 16 years and I still struggle to learn how to navigate it all.

Taking On Too Much

I’ve started feeling responsible for everything—everyone’s emotions, actions, and meltdowns. It’s exhausting. Taking on others' behaviors stems from my relationship with my parents. As a kid, I perceived that if my parents weren’t happy, it was my fault. And guess what? That childhood baggage is becoming too heavy to lug around, especially as my kids enter their tween and teen years. They need me more than ever; I need to lighten my mental load to become a present parent.

Not fully understanding ADHD, also feeds my mom guilt. A lack of understanding stems from the baggage I like to carry around. When I didn’t understand someone's behavior it would cause a great deal of anxiety. I would spend a lot of time questioning myself. I still do. Shouldn’t I know everything about my family? Shouldn’t I have this whole “mom thing” mastered by now? Spoiler alert: nope.

You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have

Here’s the truth: I want to be an AMAZING mom. The kind kids still talk about even when you’ve been dead for 20 years. If I don’t take care of myself, how can I accomplish this dream? So, to all the moms out there struggling with their own version of mom guilt, I challenge you to put yourself first for a bit. Start small. Take care of YOU, even when it feels impossible.

Need some ideas? Here are my top 5 go-to’s when I need to recharge:

1. Writing: My Therapy on Paper

Writing helps me figure out my emotions. Whether it’s venting, brainstorming solutions, or asking myself hard questions, writing helps clear my head. Don’t feel pressured to do it daily—shoot for 2-3 times a week.

2. Exercise: Non-Negotiable

Exercise is essential for me, especially since I have chronic pain. It helps with mood, pain relief, and keeps me active with the kids. If I skip a day, cranky mama takes over—and trust me, no one wants that.

3. Sleep: The Unicorn of Parenting

Sleep can be hard to come by, especially with little ones. But it gets better as they grow. Try going to bed at the same time every night, and if sleep’s elusive, I recommend a “meditation nap” (try Yoga Nidra). My favorite is Ally Boothroyd on YouTube—it’s free and peaceful!

4. Eat & Hydrate: You Can’t Survive on Coffee Alone

Skipping meals and water will leave you feeling worse. Keep a water bottle handy, eat regular meals, and watch how much better you’ll feel.

5. Make Friends: Yes, Even If It’s Hard

This one’s been tough since we moved. Finding mom friends that you (and the kids) click with is no small task. But we’re social creatures, even introverts. Having someone to text, call, or meet up with for coffee can make a huge difference.

The Guilt Stops Here

Mom guilt is not a badge of honor we need to wear. It’s something that weighs us down. Your kids don’t see your flaws the way you do. Ask them what they think you’re best at or what they love most about you. Their answers might surprise you—and put things in perspective.

Lastly, go to therapy. (Yes, seriously!) Mom guilt might have roots that dig back to childhood. There’s no need to carry that into motherhood. When you prioritize your well-being, you become a better mom and role model. It’s okay to put yourself first. You’re doing great!